you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize