ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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