You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
