It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
