You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
