Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
