did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
