Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
