He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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