She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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