Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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