The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
