I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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