My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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