Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
