Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
