I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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