i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
