How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
