dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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