the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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