That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
