She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
