I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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