I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
