She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
