remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize