i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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