I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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