my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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