I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
