Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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