Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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