I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
