Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
