I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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