I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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