I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize