You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
