im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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