Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
