I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
