I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
