You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
organizing the empties. That sober.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
