just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
