I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
