my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dignity is for republicans.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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