I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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