I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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