Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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