i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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