franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The beer is more important than you right now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
