woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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