so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
