Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Terrible idea I love it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
