Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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