dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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