dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
