I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
