i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
