i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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